7 Signs You Might Have a Sex Addiction
This is a great article on recognizing sexual addiction:
When people usually think about addiction, they typically picture someone who drinks to excess, abuses drugs, overeats, or perhaps gambles too much. But mental health professionals understand that “addiction” can be any activity that a person compulsively engages in to the point that it negatively affects their life.
Sexual addiction goes far beyond enjoying sex or pornography. It means that your desires and your actions have gone beyond your control and are now hurting other areas of your life.
What Are Some Problems Caused by Sexual Addiction?
Sex addiction can take up so much of a person’s time and energy that it makes their life unmanageable, resulting in such things as:
- Broken trust
- Destroyed relationships
- Health issues
- Problems at work
- Legal difficulties
- Disinterest in anything non-sexual
So what is the cut-off point? How do you know when you have crossed the line from a healthy interest in sex to an addiction?
Sign #1 That You Might Be a Sex Addict– You Can’t Control Your Actions
One of the biggest signs of sexual addiction is when you engage in activity even when you don’t really want to or know you shouldn’t. Some examples of compulsive sexual behavior might include:
- Continually cheating on your spouse/partner
- Having sex/masturbating in inappropriate or dangerous places – at work, in public, etc.
- Sleeping with someone who you’re not attracted to
- Not using protection, especially if you have already contracted an STD
- Visiting prostitutes or illicit massage parlors
Sign #2 That You Might Be a Sex Addict – You’re Leading a Double Life
Everyone wants their sex life be private, but there is a difference between discretion and secrecy. If you feel that you have to lie about or actively hide your sexual behaviors and desires, you might have a problem.
Sign #3 That You Might Be a Sex Addict – You’re Obsessed with Sexual Material
Sexual addiction is more than simply enjoying pornography occasionally. It crosses the line into addiction when you are excessively preoccupied with sexual images and material to the exclusion of other interests and activities. The following are examples of “obsessive” behaviors:
- Spending an inordinate amount of time online searching for and viewing pornography
- Blowing your budget on phone sex lines, website subscriptions, or in adult shops
- Having profiles on multiple dating or sex websites – especially if you are in a committed relationship
Sign #4 That You Might Be a Sex Addict –You’re Constantly Looking for “More”
One of the hallmarks of addiction is a loss of interest or enjoyment in formally pleasurable activities. For sex addicts, there is always that next bigger thrill – more explicit, more outside-the-norm, and sometimes, more dangerous.
Wanting variety occasionally is one thing, but NEVER being satisfied with a regular lovemaking session with your spouse or partner could mean that your desires are out of control.
Sign #5 That You Might Be a Sex Addict –You’re Getting in Trouble at Work or with the Law
Having such a profound inability to control your sexual behaviors that you engage in activities that could get you arrested for cause you to lose your job definitely points to an addiction. These behaviors include, but are not limited to:
- Visiting prostitutes
- Going to illegal “massage” partners
- Having sex or “sexting” with minors
- Possessing child pornography
- Exhibitionism
- Voyeurism
- Using your work computer or phone to view sexual material
- Having sex or masturbating at work
Sign #6 That You Might Be a Sex Addict – It’s Affecting Your Personal Relationships
Engaging in any sex-oriented behavior that you engage in that you have to hide from your partner or that could seriously damage your relationship could be signs of an addiction–especially if you have been caught before and are unable to stop yourself, despite the consequences.
Yes, it usually means being unfaithful, but anything that damages trust between you and your partner is “cheating”. The key is if you are having to do these things in secret, such as:
- Visiting strip clubs
- Going to adult theaters
- Calling phone sex lines
- Pressuring your partner sexually
Sign #7 That You Might Be a Sex Addict –Even YOU Are Worried about Your Behaviors
Sexual addiction is just like other addictions – irresistible compulsions make you behave in ways you never thought possible and afterwards, you are consumed by negative feelings:
- Guilt
- Shame
- Remorse
- Depression
- Despair
- Self-hatred
- Suicidal ideation*
*Thoughts of suicide, including how to go through with it are serious. NEVER let these thoughts “lie around” in your head. If you are considering suicide, reach out NOW to someone you trust or call a suicide hotline. Suicide is a permanent “solution” to what is so often a “temporary” feeling or situation.
Article source: https://www.northpointrecovery.com/blog/7-signs-you-might-have-a-sex-addiction/
HYPOCRISY AND PORNOGRAPHY
The following is a post from David Platt’s blog, “Radical.”
What do our own habits related to sexual purity have to do with the massive sex trafficking industry? More than you might think. In his most recent book, Counter Culture, David Platt addresses the hypocrisy of fighting sex slavery while indulging in pornography:
Survey’s consistently show that over half of men and increasing numbers of women in churches are actively viewing pornography. Remarkably (but when you think about it, not necessarily surprisingly), statistics are similar for the pastors who lead these churches.
Such pornography is a severe problem on a number of levels but don’t miss its connection to sex trafficking. Research continually demonstrates a clear link between sex trafficking and the production of pornography. Federal legislation has acknowledged this, participants in the production of pornography have confirmed this, and while exact figures are hard to pin down, one anti-trafficking center reports that at least a third of victims trafficked for sex are used in the production of pornography.
Yet the cycle is even more vicious than that. For the more people watch pornography, the more they desire sexual fulfillment through prostitution. Such desire drives men (and women) to engage in physical prostitution or even virtual prostitution as “every home computer [becomes] a potential red light district.” Pornography thus feeds prostitution, again increasing the demand for sex trafficking.
Do we realize what we are doing? Every time a man or woman views pornography online, we are contributing to a cycle of sex slavery from the privacy of our own computers. We are fueling an industry that enslaves people for sex in order to satisfy selfish pleasures in our living rooms, our offices, and on our mobile phones.
The hypocrisy is staggering, and the conclusion is clear. No matter how many red X’s we write on our hands to end slavery, as long as these same hands are clicking on pornographic websites and scrolling through sexual pictures and videos, we are frauds to the core.
Any and every time we indulge in pornography, we deny the precious gospel truth that every man and woman possesses inherent dignity, not to be solicited and sold for sex, but to be valued and treasured as excellent in the eyes of God. People are not inferior objects to be used and abused for selfish, sexual, sensual pleasure; they are equal image bearers of the God who loves and cares for them. We may scoff at how pre-Civil War churchgoers justified slaves in their backyards, but aren’t we dangerously like them when we participate in pornography (and promote the sex slavery to which it is inextricably tied) in our own homes?
First steps to counter the culture of pornography and sex trafficking:
Pray:
Ask God to:
- Intervene and rescue individuals around the world who are being used as sex slaves.
- Open the eyes of Christians and churches to the issues of pornography and the plight of sexual slavery
- Redeem the perpetrators of sex slavery or otherwise execute justice in light of their sin
Participate:
Prayerfully consider taking these steps:
- Support a ministry that addresses the problem of sex slavery and consider ways you can be involved in their work.
- Make fellow church members or church leaders aware of these issues so that you can pray for the victims of pornography and sex slavery and strategize how to help them.
- Call and write your government representatives urging them to oppose sex trafficking as well as the pornography industry.
Proclaim:
Consider the following truths from Scripture:
- Psalm 24:1 “The earth is the LORD’S, and everything in it, the world and all who live in it.”
- Pslam 82:4 “Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”
- Psalm 7:11 “God is a righteous judge, and a God who feels indignation every day.”
article source:http://www.radical.net/blog/post/hypocrisy-and-pornography
Is Looking At Porn The Same Thing As Cheating?
I found this article recently on XXXChurch.com (a ministry taking a stand against porn). I wanted to share it here:
“I don’t understand,” Tim said to his wife as they sat across from me during their first counseling session. “I didn’t sleep with anyone. I was watching porn. Since when is that considered adultery?”
He shot me a look seeking my support in confirming his belief that Cheryl was overreacting to his behavior.
Unfortunately for Tim, such support was not to be found, at least not in my counseling office.
Just as I asked Tim to do, let’s take a moment and look at what’s involved with pornography and what could be the rationale that leaves Cheryl and many other women to believe it’s a form of cheating.
Is looking at porn the same thing as cheating?
Let’s think about three things we’re really doing when we’re watching porn:
1) We’re lusting.
We are becoming aroused as we watch other individuals engaging in sexual acts. When we commit adultery what are we engaging in? Lust. When we make a commitment to another person to be involved in a serious relationship or marry, we are promising to not lust after others.
“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust at a young woman. For what has God above chosen for us? What is our inheritance from the Almighty on high? Isn’t it calamity for the wicked and misfortune for those who do evil?” Job 31:1-3
We accept the duty to honor our partner by not allowing our sexual desires to wander beyond the relationship. When we view pornography, we are wandering sexually and dishonoring our partner.
2) We’re planting seeds of doubt in our partner’s mind.
In a large majority of cases, when a woman discovers her partner watching pornography – whether she expresses it or not – she feels a sense of unworthiness. Our pornography use crushes their self-worth. She believes she can’t compete or measure up to the fantasy women we lust after, and it creates a sense of shame within her. The women we betray begin comparing themselves to the graphic images and feel they are “not enough for us.” Our pornography usage creates self-doubt in their ability to mentally and physically satisfy us. This ultimately creates a wedge in our relationship.
3) We’re engaging in solo sex.
There is no denying masturbation is heavily involved with pornography watching.
But when we do that, we are robbing our wives and our relationships of the opportunity for both emotional and physical intimacy.
Our bodies are not our own, and our desire to engage in sexual pleasure was meant to be shared with our wives and not in isolation.
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-4
We can attempt to justify our pornography use by claiming it’s harmless and that we can do what we wish with our own bodies.
Is looking at porn the same thing as cheating? The truth is: pornography is a betrayal that objectifies and dishonors women, so yes, it’s a form of cheating. And our partners deserve better than that from us.
Author: 
Eddie Capparucci on July 15th, 2016
God Isn’t Mad at You…
Great post that I read recently.. had to share:
I spend a fair amount of time on Reddit and other online communities interacting with people who are trying to find freedom from porn. One thing I’ve noticed, though, is there seems to be a tendency for folks to come down hard on themselves when they relapse.
“I looked at porn again after 30 days clean. God must be so mad at me.”
“I screwed up and masturbated last night, why am I such a horrible person?”
“Why can’t I fix myself? I suck at being a Christian.”
You get the idea.
I wish I had the time to respond to every one of these posts and let them know that God isn’t mad at them. Seriously. In fact, this whole idea that God becomes angry with us when we fall is likely one of the major factors in their ongoing struggle to find freedom from porn.
It’s easy for us to see all the crap in our lives as a huge pile of trash, with us on one side and God on the other. We think we need to clean it up before we can get anywhere close to the Father. But the more we try to shovel it down, the more we realize we’re just adding more to it every day.
If you look closer at the Gospels, though, you’ll realize that’s not a very good description of how God actually views you. The truth is He sent Jesus to walk around that pile of trash, put His arm on your shoulder, and offer to clean it up for you. Better yet, Jesus promises to stand with you at all times to make sure any additional trash that gets dumped on the pile is immediately removed as well—which includes those times you still look at porn.
That’s what Jesus meant when He said “It is Finished.”
Not “It was finished, but now you went and screwed it up by looking at porn again.”
“It is finished.”
All your sin, past, present, and even future sin, has been paid for on the cross. Your entire pile of junk was removed giving you a clear path to the Father. (Think about it, how much of your sin was future sin when Jesus was on the cross? All of it!)
So instead of feeling like you need to hide from God, clean up your life, or worse yet, beat yourself up when you look at porn, I’d encourage you to run back to God, knowing that He is a loving and approachable Father.
In the same way the father of the prodigal son looked to the horizon daily hoping for his boy to return (knowing full well what he had done), your Father in heaven is eagerly waiting for you to come back to His embrace as well.
He doesn’t want you to “work off your debt.”
He doesn’t need to hear your well-thought-out excuses.
He won’t require you to earn your place back starting as a hired servant.
He doesn’t think you suck, or that you’re a horrible person.
He loves you, and all He wants to do is throw a party to celebrate your return, because there is always a place for you at His table, regardless of what you’ve done.
Author: Stephen Kuhn on July 1st, 2016
Original source: https://www.xxxchurch.com/men/god-isnt-mad-stop-beating-relapse.html#.V_BlQGy5ZVg.email
Confession of a church girl who reads porn
The following article appeared on http://www.iamsecond.com. I wanted to share it here, to highlight the fact that women are not immune to sexual addiction or the draw of pornography. Additionally, this article sheds light on the truth… porn is addictive, destructive, and a tool of the Enemy used to steal, kill, and destroy.
I don’t know for sure if this is just a confession or also a cry for help. It’s probably both.
But I do know that I have a problem, a real problem, and I need to be open about it because it’s the things we do in secret, the things we try to solve on our own, that come to destroy us.
It would be easy to blame other things or other people for this problem, this growing addiction, this new hang-up that I have. But I know I bear responsibility too, because I’ve fed it. And I keep feeding it.
It started in middle school. I read a book excerpt about Queen Elizabeth I that talked about her having graphic sex with a man. It was my introduction to erotica and I was horrified. I went to bed and cried and promised God I would never so much as kiss a boy until I was engaged. I wanted nothing to do with this sex thing.
But that excerpt led to the fantasies, and the fantasies are what stuck with me.
I’ve been fantasizing about being kissed since I was in middle school; I’ve been dreaming about the day some boy would lock lips with me, my stomach would stutter then burst into flames, and my heart would leap and fireworks would explode behind my eyes.
The older I got, the more those fantasies grew out of control. And without anyone to kiss, I turned to TV, movies, and books to get my fix.
At first it was just kissing. I would re-read books that had those scenes. Actually, that’s a lie: I would re-read the kissing scenes in books and close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to kiss someone myself. I would put searches in Google for “best TV kisses,” “greatest kisses in literature,” “hottest movie kisses,” and I would watch or read the results avidly.
Until the day I didn’t search for “kiss,” I searched for “sex scene.”
Until the day I didn’t search for “kiss,” I searched for “sex scene.”
This past year has been interrupted with occasional searches. At first they were a few months apart, then a few weeks, then a few days.
I wouldn’t say I have a porn addiction, because I don’t watch porn, per se. I would say that I have a fascination with erotica, especially with literary erotica. I would say that I am addicted to the titillating, exciting written passages that describe a beautiful kiss or a sexual encounter.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because I don’t have an answer. I’m not writing this piece to tell you how to overcome an addiction or a fascination, or at the very least to explain how God stepped in and saved me from those desires.
I’m also not writing this piece to scream about porn, premarital sex, and how to avoid them. It’s not a prescription — it’s a confession.
That said…I’m struggling with why I’m writing it. I promised myself that I would only write pieces when I felt God compelling me to do so, when I felt like I had a bite-sized revelation to share that could help someone.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t write pieces where I espouse my opinion and doctrine and tell you how to live. I don’t have that right.
Yet here I am, writing this piece, and the only reason I have is because I felt compelled to. Because when I’m online reading about sex, I sense something’s off. It’s not God’s disapproval or anger, but maybe it’s His sorrow? I sense that He is sad because He gave me guidelines. Guidelines I accepted. Guidelines He set out because He wants what’s best for me. And I’m disregarding them.
I guess I’m also writing it because nothing on the internet is sacred, not even your Google searches, not even the articles you read.
So before anyone gets the chance to “out” me as a reader of porn — straight porn, lesbian porn, you-name-it-literary-porn — I’m going to out myself.
Before anyone gets the chance to “out” me as a reader of porn I’m going to out myself.
Hi, I’m Karis. I’ve written 10 articles for I Am Second. I volunteer at church. I have even led groups at church. But I strive to be vulnerable in all aspects, so here I am telling you just how completely imperfect I am, just how broken and sinful I am. I am not perfect. I am not even OK.
I want you to know this about me so you know that when I speak I speak from a place of turmoil, of brokenness, of screwed-up-ness. I’m sure some of you will discount all of my words because of this.
But I hope that maybe, just maybe, my confession will show you that it’s OK to confess things, to be open about where we fail and fall short, because if there’s one thing God loves, it’s using someone who’s useless on their own.
And I’m writing this because that way I can be held accountable. I can be kept from going back. Because the more others know about my struggle, the better they’ll be able to help me and encourage me.
So I’m writing this for you and I’m writing it for me. And I’m writing it for God. Even as I’m finishing this article I feel a whole heap of terror about putting this to the world, but I also feel a bit of peace because I’m following my convictions to be vulnerable. I feel like God has his hand on my shoulder and is telling me He’ll walk with me and it’s going to be OK. He’s got me. He’s got you.
And in the end, I want that more than the porn.
Here is the link to the article: http://www.iamsecond.com/2016/06/confession-im-a-church-girl-that-reads-porn/
3 tips for wives of a sex addict
Married to a Sex Addict? 3 Important Tips to Help Your Relationship
After you learn of your spouse’s pornography addiction, you’ll probably experience a whole gamut of emotions including shock, anger, desperation, depression, and more. You may feel like distancing yourself from your spouse and marriage, but there are better things you can do for healing.
Follow these three tips to learn how you can slowly, but surely, improve your relationship and begin to move forward on the path of forgiveness.
1. Educate yourself on addiction. The first thing you can do when you learn about your spouse’s addiction is to educate yourself on what addiction is, how it starts, and why it’s so hard to stop. Learn about the symptoms of relational trauma you may be going through during this time, such as fear, obsession, the need for control, and the unhealthy actions that might go along with these emotions.
Speak to a professional therapist for answers to your questions and to get the support you need, which can include a support group, therapist, spiritual leader, or trusted friend, in order to move forward on the road to forgiveness and healing.
2. Distract yourself. At this time of struggle it’s easy to get into the trap of analyzing every last detail of your spouse’s sex addiction. Resist the urge. Dwelling on unpleasant details won’t help you and will probably make you feel even worse.
Instead of keeping yourself in misery, now is a good time to invest more energy in yourself. Here are a few productive ways you can build your spirits up during this difficult time:
- Set recovery goals and write them down
- Connect with a support community and/or clergy member
- Set up a weekly night out with yourself or with friends
- Learn a new skill or start a hobby you’ve always wanted to have
- Start a new exercise regime
- Get plenty of good sleep
- Serve others who are in need
By giving yourself a positive distraction from the struggles, you’ll replenish your soul and have more energy to effectively deal with your relationship.
3. Work to rebuild trust. The most important thing you can do for your spouse and your marriage is to encourage them to seek professional help from a marriage therapist (preferably who specializes in pornography and sexual addiction) to help them quit porn.
At the same time, the two of you can talk openly with your therapist for relationship guidance and healing. Set boundaries with your spouse to stop behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Once these are set and followed, trust can start to build up again.
Communicate openly and non-aggressively throughout the healing process. Have the hard conversations. Learn to use “I” and “me” to avoid sounding accusatory, such as “I’ve noticed that…” or “Lately, I’ve been feeling…” By formatting your sentences more around your feelings, your spouse will not go on the defensive and will, more likely, hear what you have to say.
This is not an easy time, so remember to practice patience with yourself and with your spouse. Each day is each of you must recommit towards healing and working together (and individually) to rebuild the trust, improve communication, and focusing on your future.
Article source: the blog at freedombeginshere.org
About the Author: Danielle Adams is a freelance writer who works with Lifestar Therapy (http://www.lifestartherapy.com/). She is committed to helping people practice open communication and build healthy relationships.
Recovering from your Husband’s Addiction to Pornography
How to Recover from Your Husband’s Pornography Addiction
When a wife discovers her husband is hooked on pornography, she’s instantly tossed into an unintended journey by a blistering sense of betrayal. My wife Brenda shares about a similar journey in The Healing Choice, co-written with Susan Allen:
Any wife who is enduring the pain of a husband’s porn addiction is experiencing the most shattering, deep kind of pain she may ever encounter. One day her marriage seems normal, and the next perversion seems to have broken out everywhere. She hasn’t a clue how to find her way out, and is likely unprepared for the crushing pain of betrayal that has her buried deep in an emotional wasteland. What happens if she doesn’t have what she needs to pull through and get her heart back?
Once that storm crashes in and she realizes she doesn’t have the knowledge she needs about her husband’s sin, or the connection with God that she requires to handle this kind of trauma, she must immediately begin to learn and to build up her own intimacy with God, just like I did in the middle of my grief. She must choose to move in to God with all of her heart. That’s the key.
Steps to Recovery
Perhaps you’ve begun a similar journey. If so, what immediate actions can you take to move in closer to God? Obviously, you must dive deeply into prayer and into the Word. On my wife Brenda’s journey, she began praying at the top of every hour for five minutes, transforming her spirit. She found the stress made it difficult for her to remember the Scripture she needed for support, so she wrote out the verses on sticky notes and posted them all over the house to keep his Word alive throughout her day. Get creative and run to him with all of your heart. As you run, be careful to do these three things as well:
1. Get Knowledgeable About Male Sexuality
When your husband turns to porn for sexual pleasure, it’s common to blame yourself for it all. Don’t. At its root, it isn’t about sex at all, so it isn’t about your attractiveness or the extra 20 pounds you’re carrying since the baby, or what you do or don’t do in bed. Trust me. You have what it takes sexually, so don’t worry. He’s the issue—not you.
Of course, you must believe this inside and out, so get knowledgeable. Start by reading Brenda’s book, Every Heart Restored, which includes nine chapters on male sexuality. You’ll soon recognize that your husband’s sexual sin likely spawned from past wounds inflicted upon him long before he ever met you—wounds that taught him to use his sexuality as a crutch to medicate the emotional pain in his life. Such knowledge changes everything, freeing your heart to move more quickly from judgment to mercy, which is exactly where God wants it to be.
Don’t get me wrong. Your frustration and anger at the betrayal are natural, and you needn’t feel guilty about it. In action, porn and masturbation are betrayal, stabbing at the female heart and crushing marital oneness. It must stop. But in motive, it’s rarely betrayal. Let me explain.
When I engaged my battle for purity as a young husband, I soon had my eyes retrained to bounce away from the sensual imagery around me, and quickly learned to take lustful thoughts captive. I figured these victories would eliminate all traces of sexual sin, but the masturbation habit retained its grip on me. I couldn’t understand it.
At the time I was in full-commission sales, which meant that if I sold nothing, my kids ate nothing. That’s pressure, so on many nights I tucked my kids into bed, gave Brenda a kiss and headed off late to my office to prepare for the next day. That’s where the masturbation occurred.
Why was this happening? I loved Brenda, and our sex life was wonderful. My actions surely betrayed her, but my motives were pure. I wasn’t chasing sexual betrayal.
When I looked more closely at those late nights, I noticed a pattern. I always felt lonely and disconnected, and as the hours wore on, my sense of stress would multiply. I hadn’t yet learned to trust God with financial pressure, or to lean on him as a son. I could only hear the haunting cries of my childhood, sneering that I just didn’t have what it takes to succeed out there or to stand at my dad’s side in the world of men. I just didn’t measure up in his eyes, and because of my job stress, I seriously doubted whether I’d ever measure up in my own eyes, either.
That’s where the masturbation came in. Somewhere along the way, I’d “learned” that masturbation provides a very real sense of intimacy and connection, and that orgasm gives a guy a strong sense of manhood, dominance, and control, even though it’s fleeting. That’s a pretty strong draw for a frightened man who feels like a loser night after lonely night.
In truth, I didn’t have a sexual sin issue after all. I had a financial trust issue, and a desire to reassert some control over my stressful life. The masturbation was only a symptom, something I used to medicate my pain instead of allowing God to heal it. When I changed my focus from the masturbation to my lack of my intimacy with God, I soon began turning to him in prayer during those moments of fear and temptation instead. The masturbation soon vanished on its own.
2. Relish Your Role as Helpmate
Your role is to lift your husband to Christian greatness and oneness with God, whatever that may entail. Of course, your motives are everything. If your motives are love, you’ll remember his wounds and speak from an encouraging perspective instead of harshly speaking in ways that tear and destroy. Memorize 1 Corinthians 13, and continually assess your motives from this foundation of love.
As you approach your role, what behaviors can you expect to see in your husband if he is truly committed to change? First of all, he’ll be open and honest about his sin, and will share any level of detail necessary to help you heal. If he stumbles again, he won’t wait for your interrogation to reveal it. He will immediately come to you to tell you. All lying will stop.
Second, he’ll be very patient as you heal, which is a sign of deep repentance. He’ll know that since he created the mess, he’s the one who must clean up the mess, no matter how long it takes.
Third, he’ll perform trustworthy acts regularly. He’ll eagerly read the books you give him, likeEvery Man’s Battle. He won’t wait for you to place the computer in a high-traffic area and purchase the filters. He’ll seek out accountability relationships with other men, and will regularly ask you for other ways he might help rebuild your trust.
If these aren’t happening, bring them up to him. Your voice is critical in his life. Refuse to be muzzled.
3. Develop Close Friends on Your Journey
You may find it difficult to talk to other wives about your husband’s sin, but it’s urgent to develop friendships for support on this confusing journey. Push through these feelings until you’ve found true Christian community, that life-giving connection that’s part of healthy support groups.
After learning of her husband Clay’s addiction to porn, Susan Allen restored her heart in this kind of community through the help of other hurting sisters in Christ. Before long, Susan began leading her own groups and soon created a nonprofit organization called Avenue that distributes support group curricula and provides mentoring help to group leaders through their volunteer staff in California. If you can’t find friends locally, join a small group community via 800-number. Simply contact Susan’s volunteer staff at women@avenueresource.com.
Fred Stoeker is founder of Living True Ministries and author of best-selling books Every Man’s Battle and Every Young Man’s Battle. Connect online at www.fredstoeker.com.
Pornography Distorts Intimate Relationships
With the recent release of the movie, 50 Shades of Grey, we as a culture have again revisited important issues about sexual matters that often don’t get talked about or clarified to the extent that we learn lessons that will actually improve our relationships. So, I am going to use this opportunity to talk about how pornography affects the emotional intimacy in romantic relationships. I’ll start with a question someone asked me recently.
I recently found out that my husband has been secretly viewing pornography online for years without me knowing. I feel very hurt by this discovery and disgusted by the thought of what he’s looking at. I told him this and he doesn’t see it as a big deal. He says “all guys use porn.” I need a reality check. Is pornography that prevalent with men? And what should I do with these feelings?
This is a very important question and one that many couples struggle with. First, it is correct in saying that many men turn to pornography on a regular basis. It is estimated that 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites on the internet. But, it isn’t just men. About one-third of those regular visitors are women. But those who claim that porn is not a “big deal” are wrong. It is a very big deal because of how it erodes the physical and emotional intimacy in real relationships.
Here are some things to consider:
- Healthy relationships are built on trust. To be intimate with someone is to make yourself vulnerable. Trust is the assurance that your partner will respect that vulnerability and honor you. If your partner is secretly inviting others (complete strangers no less) into the exclusive realm that should be reserved between the two of you, it breaks that trust and feelings of violation usually follow. Broken trust takes time and a lot of work to heal.
- The key to a strong, long-lasting relationship is the couple’s ability to build emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy, not sexual intimacy, is what makes a relationship most meaningful. Of course if you take your cues from the porn sites or even from the relentless messages streaming through the media, you might think that sex is the prime binding agent in relationships. Despite the fact that this myth is pervasive in our sex-obsessed culture, it is the emotional intimacy that makes a person feel valued, cherished, loved, cared for, listened to and appreciated. When emotional intimacy is kindled between two people, satisfaction with their sexual union is far greater. There is no need to go outside of that relationship for other types of sexual stimulation or entertainment.
- Pornography creates unrealistic expectations about your spouse and sexual behavior. Pornography has been shown to weaken commitment in marriages because it creates an utterly false impression of what a normal body looks like and what sexual behavior is really about. The sexual relationship is meant to be mutually satisfying expression of each partner’s love for the other. In contrast, porn is about self-gratification and often involves dominating or mistreating the other person.
I have found that people most prone to use pornography are those who have love deficits that occurred earlier in their lives. They have often come from homes where love and affection were scarce. We all are eventually exposed to porn at some point but those with love deficits seem more drawn to it as a substitute for the real relationships that weren’t as nurturing as they needed. If the person repeatedly returns to porn to get that excitement, it can become a compulsive behavior that may turn into an addiction over time. Don’t give up the fight to get these strangers out of your bedroom and your imagination. Your marriage may depend on it.
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Article written by: Gary Gilles, LCPC
Gary Gilles is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in private practice for over 20 years. He is also an adjunct faculty member at the University of Chicago’s School of Social Service Administration, Trinity International University and Argosy University. He teaches the full spectrum of psychology courses on site and online and has developed over 30 online courses for various academic institutions and businesses.
source: https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/how-pornography-distorts-intimate-relationships/
3 Indicators that you have an Addiction
Sexual addiction, also known as sexual compulsivity, hypersexuality and hypersexual disorder, is a preoccupation with sexual fantasy and activity that lasts six months or longer and leads to problems for the addict. Sex addiction is not an official diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association (APA)’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), but other professional organizations, including the American Society for Addiction Medicine, do acknowledge and accept behavioral addictions, of which sex addiction is one. Generally speaking, three main factors are taken into account when diagnosing sexual addiction:
- Preoccupation to the point of obsession with sexual fantasies and behavior. Sex addicts spend hours, sometimes even days, fantasizing about sex, planning for sex, pursuing sex and engaging in sex. Their decision-making revolves around sex, including their choices in clothing, where they exercise, the car they drive and maybe even the career path they choose.
- Loss of control over sexual fantasies and behaviors. Sex addicts often try to quit or cut back on their behavior or fantasies, without success. They promise themselves and others that they will change, but without outside intervention (typically some form of therapy and/or 12-step support), they nearly always fail in these efforts — usually repeatedly.
- Negative consequences directly related to sexual behavior. Sex addicts eventually experience many of the same adverse consequences that alcoholics, drug addicts, compulsive gamblers, compulsive spenders and other addicts deal with.
In short, sexual addiction is an ongoing, out-of-control pattern of compulsive sexual fantasies and behaviors that causes serious problems in the addict’s life.
If you’re concerned that you or someone you love may have a problem with sexual addiction, it may be time to talk to a certified sex addiction treatment specialist who can evaluate symptoms and make a diagnosis and/or to check out 12-step sexual addiction recovery groups. Whether you’ve just noticed a problem or you’ve seen it get worse over a long period of time, it’s important to know that there are a variety of treatment options and resources available that can help.
Source: https://www.addiction.com/addiction-a-to-z/sex-addiction/
What are “triggers?”
Triggers are catalysts that create a need/desire to act out sexually. Most often, triggers are some sort of “pain agent.” Pain agents include both emotional and physical discomfort, either short- or long-term. Depression, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, stress, shame, anger and any other form of emotional or psychological (or even physical) discomfort can easily trigger an addict’s desire to escape, avoid and dissociate. Positive agents can also serve as triggers. So if a sex addict gets fired from his or her job, he or she will want to act out sexually; and if that same addict gets a great new job, he or she will want act out sexually. If triggers are not dealt with in a healthy way (dissipated via a healthy, non-addictive coping mechanism like talking to supportive friends, family members or a therapist), then the addictive cycle inevitably progresses.
Triggers: What to Look For
Generally speaking, triggers for porn addiction fall into two main categories – internal and external.
- Internal triggers for porn addiction typically involve emotional (or sometimes physical) discomfort. In other words, depression, shame, anxiety, anger, fear, guilt, remorse, boredom and/or any other uncomfortable emotion can trigger a desire to look at porn.
- External triggers for porn addiction typically involve people, places, things and/or events. For instance, if/when a sex addict sees a sexy coworker or a lingerie catalog (or anything else that reminds the addict of sex), he or she might also feel a desire to look at porn.
Sometimes triggers for porn addiction are both internal and external at the same time. In other words, a porn addict might have a tough day at work (an external trigger) that causes feelings of shame (an internal trigger), with both triggers creating a desire to look at porn. And this double whammy can easily be exacerbated by other triggers, such as noticing a sexy billboard on the way home.
A few of the more common internal triggers for porn addiction are:
- Boredom
- Loneliness
- Anger
- Resentments
- Fear
- Anxiety
- Sadness, grief and/or depression
- Stress
- Shame
- Frustration
- Feeling unloved and/or unwanted
- Feeling unappreciated
A few of the more common external triggers for porn addiction are:
- Travel (especially solo travel)
- Ended relationships
- Unstructured time alone
- Negative experiences (of any type)
- Positive experiences (of any type)
- Unexpected life changes (of any type)
- Substance use or abuse
- Unexpected exposure to sexual stimuli (driving past a strip club, seeing a sexy magazine at the newsstand, encountering an attractive person, etc.)
- Financial problems
- Arguments
- Family issues
So triggers are tricky little things. And, unfortunately, they are pretty much unavoidable. This is true for all addicts, not just porn addicts. Alcoholics can be triggered when they drive past the local bar. Drug addicts can be triggered when they watch TV crime dramas where drugs are part of the plot. Gambling addicts can be triggered when they see a deck of cards or a set of dice. And addicts of all types – including porn addicts – can be triggered simply because they must deal with the roller-coaster of life and the emotions it induces. In short, triggers are everywhere, and there is not much that porn addicts can do about that fact beyond learning to recognize when they’ve been triggered and ways to intervene when that occurs.
source: https://www.addiction.com/expert-blogs/porn-addicts-do-you-know-what-triggers-your-behavior/
The Quiet Cancer 