Healing Concepts for Wives Impacted by Pornography

Posted on

This is an article I found online, but the content was good enough to share here, on my blog.

The author of the article below is:  Jill C. Manning, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist


As a marriage and family therapist who works with women directly impacted by pornography, I am continually struck by the profound damage it causes.

Although downplayed and dismissed by many, pornography consumption by a spouse is devastating and should not be underestimated in terms of the far-reaching consequences it has on trust, intimacy, family life, children, finances, the marital friendship, and, in a growing number of cases, the existence of the marriage itself. Aside from abuse, I know of no other marital issue that affects the very soul of women more than pornography consumption by a spouse.

Too often, the discovery or disclosure of a pornography problem in marriage causes women to slip into unhealthy comparisons; to engage in inappropriate behavior themselves; or to spiral downward into depression, self-doubt, and in some cases, even suicidal thinking. These responses, although unhelpful, are understandable when the magnitude of damage, betrayal, and hurt are understood. Pornography, by nature and name, diminishes virtue, love, creativity, healthy sexuality, personal and relational growth, and honesty. Consequently, responding to pornography problems in marriage requires that we be exceptionally honest and clear about what pornography is, what it is not, how it has impacted our relationship and self-concept, and what is the best way to respond.

The following three concepts, among many others, have been helpful for women to incorporate into their healing and decision-making process:

  1. Clarify the Motivation. In many cases, pornography use is more about seeking an escape or mood-altering effect than it is about sex itself. Although pornography use often starts out as a youthful curiosity about sex, in most cases it develops into a way of escaping certain emotions and stressors. Looking at pornography can even be used to self-medicate depression and anxiety and to self-soothe loneliness or poor self-esteem. Understanding this can help cut through the faulty belief that being more sexual with a pornography user will reduce consumption, or that if someone is using pornography, his or her spouse must not be sexually available or attractive. In addition, understanding the non-sexual motivations behind pornography use can help a woman understand that her partner would have likely turned to pornography regardless of whom he married and that his pornography use is not a commentary on her attractiveness (even though it feels like an attack). Erroneous assumptions about the motivations around pornography use not only promote misplaced blame and shame, but also detract from holding the consumer responsible for choosing to deal with life’s problems in maladaptive and harmful ways.
  2. Beware of Comparing Reality to Fantasy. Many women will tell me they feel insecure and intimidated when they compare themselves to the pornography stars their husband lusts after. There are two issues here: (1) the destabilizing hurt caused by a husband’s infidelity and (2) the dynamic of comparing oneself to someone who has prostituted herself in a pornographic scene. Let’s look at the second part of this assumption. Many women believe they don’t measure up to what their husband is neurotically and narcissistically seeking out because they think the porn stars represent a sexual ideal. This is one of the biggest lies pornography invites women to believe. Most pornography stars have histories of sexual abuse, drug use or addiction, mental health problems, failed relationships, cosmetic surgery, and/or sexually transmitted diseases. In short, the only thing that is modeled in pornography is sexual brokenness and spiritual disconnection. Men who recover from a pornography habit also come to this realization and ironically begin to “see” the beauty of their spouse as what they desire and need.
  3. Ignore Comments That Invalidate the Seriousness of This Problem, and Seek Out People Who Understand the Issue.When a woman takes the risk to share this marital problem with a trusted friend or family member, it is not uncommon for her to encounter statements such as, “Boys will be boys,” “All guys are into porn,” or “At least he isn’t cheating on you.” Comments such as these not only demoralize and invalidate, but they also reflect a lack of understanding about the addictive potential this habit has and the impact pornography use has on relationships. Pornography use represents a serious breach of the marital bond and pulls sexual energy away from an intimate relationship. It is important to ignore comments that dismiss or invalidate the seriousness of this issue and to actively seek out the opinions and support of individuals who understand this issue well. As a woman sifts through the constraining and erroneous beliefs that compound the pain associated with a spouse’s pornography use, she is better able to make healthy decisions and take steps that will facilitate healing. Although it is troubling to consider that an increasing number of women are facing this issue in their marriage, it is reassuring to know there are also a growing number of resources to support women and families dealing with this issue. With our continued support, the Lighted Candle Society will not only be able to help women get the support they need, but also be able to continue its unique fight against the pornography industry at large.



Article original source: https://overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families/articles/healing-concepts-for-women-impacted-by-pornography?lang=eng


You are not alone. Unfortunately.

Posted on Updated on

Just when you think you are all alone in your addiction: According to a survey conducted by the Barna Group in the U.S. in 2014: ––

The following percentages of men say they view pornography at least once a month: 18-30-year-olds, 79%; 31-49-year-olds, 67%; 50-68-year-olds, 49% ––

The following percentages of men say they view pornography at least several times a week: 18-30-year-olds, 63%; 31-49-year-olds, 38%; 50-68-year-olds, 25% ––

The following percentages of women say they view pornography at least once a month: 18-30-year-olds, 76%; 31-49-year-olds, 16%; 50-68-year-olds, 4% ––

The following percentages of women say they view pornography at least several times a week: 18-30-year-olds, 21%; 31-49-year-olds, 5%; 50-68-year-olds, 0%

55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month, compared to 70% of unmarried men.

Pornography is eating away at the heart of all people…. some directly, and some indirectly…  whether you like to admit it or not.

5 Questions I Wish My Accountability Partner WOULD Ask Me

Posted on Updated on

Image source: https://serenityvista.com/good-rehab-care-plan-includes-sponsor/

5 Questions I Wish My Accountability Partner Would Ask Me

Can I contradict the title of this post in the first sentence? #BadBloggingHabit

I don’t like the word “accountability partner” any more than I like the word “diet,” and I dislike them both for the same reason. They sound like an exception and a punishment rather than a lifestyle and a gift.

No one is going to live on a diet or in an accountability relationship. They’ll do it for a little while and then they’ll stop. We know this. So let’s quit saying it. Admission: I will still use the phrase accountability partner in this blog. I want to change your mindset more than your vocabulary.

Statistics on pornography

Image Posted on Updated on


Still wondering if pornography is a problem in our society?

Porn is Addictive…Science says so.

Posted on

It wasn’t very long ago that doctors and researchers believed that in order for something to be addictive, it had to involve an outside substance that you physically put into your body, like cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs.

Pornographers promise healthy pleasure and relief from sexual tension, but what they often deliver is an addiction, tolerance, and an eventual decrease in pleasure.

—Norman Doidge, MD, The Brain That Changes Itself [1]

It wasn’t very long ago that doctors and researchers believed that in order for something to be addictive, it had to involve an outside substance that you physically put into your body, like cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs. [2]

Once we got a peek into the brain, however, our understanding of how addictions work changed. [3] It turns out, cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs have more in common than you might think. Sure, on the outside, some are poured into a glass while others are lit on fire and smoked. But once they’re in the body, they all do the same thing to the brain: flood it with a chemical called dopamine. [4] That’s what makes them addictive. And porn does the exact same thing. [5]

You see, your brain comes equipped with something called a “reward pathway.” [6] Its job is to motivate you to do things that keep you and your genes alive—things like eating or having sex to produce babies. [7] The way it rewards you is by releasing dopamine into your brain, because dopamine makes you feel good. [8]

However, just because your brain has adapted to motivate you to do something doesn’t mean it’s always good for you. For example, your brain produces higher levels of dopamine when you have chocolate cake than it does for whole-wheat bread. [9] Why? Because 3,000 years ago, high-calorie foods were really hard to come by, so when our ancestors found them, it was important that they eat a whole bunch while the getting was good. [10] These days, a bag of Oreos is only as far as the nearest supermarket. If we gorged on them every chance we got, chances are we’d get heart disease, gain weight, and develop a bunch of other health problems.

Porn is basically sexual junk food. When a person is looking at porn, their brain thinks they’re seeing a potential mating opportunity, and pumps the brain full of dopamine. [11] And unlike healthy sexual relationships that build up over time with an actual person, porn offers an endless stream of hyper-sexual images that flood the brain with high levels of dopamine every time the user clicks to a new image. [12]

Setting your brain up for an overload of feel-good chemicals might sound like a good idea at first, but just like with junk food, what feels like a good thing, in this case isn’t at all. Because porn use floods the brain with high chemical levels, the brain starts to fight back. Over time, the brain will actually cut down on its dopamine receptors—the tiny landing docs that take the dopamine in once it’s been released in your brain. [13] As a result, porn that once excited a person often stops having the same effect, and the user has to look at more porn, look at porn more often, or find a more hardcore version—or all three—to get aroused. [14]

Eventually, as the brain acclimates to the overload of dopamine, users often find that they can’t feel normal without that dopamine high. [15] Little things that used to make them happy, like seeing a friend or playing their favorite sport, can’t compete with the dopamine flood that comes with porn, so they’re left feeling anxious or down until they can get back to it. [16]

On top of that, dopamine doesn’t travel alone. When the brain is getting a hit of dopamine, it’s also getting new pathways built into it with a protein called “iFosB” (pronounced delta fos b). [17]

Essentially, iFosB’s job is to help you remember to do things that feel good or are important. [18] While dopamine is motivating your brain to do things and rewarding it for doing them, iFosB is quietly leaving trail markers in your brain, creating a pathway to help you get back there. [19] When this happens with healthy behaviors, it’s a very good thing. However, as little as one dose of many drugs will also cause iFosB to start building up in the brain’s neurons, and of course porn’s powerful dopamine surge causes iFosB to build up as well. [20]

The more a user looks at porn, the more iFosB accumulates, [21] essentially beating down the brain pathways leading to using, making it easier and easier for the user to turn back to that behavior, whether they want to or not. [22] Eventually, if enough iFosB accumulates, it can “flip a genetic switch,” causing irreversible changes in the brain that leave the user more susceptible to addiction. [23]

And for teens, the risks are especially high, since a teen brain’s reward pathway has a response two to four times more powerful than an adult brain—which means teen brains release even higher levels of dopamine. [24] Teen brains also produce higher levels of iFosB, leaving them extra vulnerable to addiction. [25]



HEY! Pornography IS Addictive!!!

Image Posted on


Proverbs 6:32

Image Posted on Updated on

hinckley pornograpy quote uplifting love He who commits adultery lacks sense;
    he who does it destroys himself.

-Proverbs 6:32